Subtle Coolness

This edition of Turtle’s Thoughts™ is quite the ironic situation. I am presently sitting at my grandmother’s computer, busily typing away. I didn’t expect to be able to send the column today, but I’m still sure it won’t come next week. Even when I’m on vacation, I’m working on this stuff! Am I responsible or what?

What.

Vacations can be used for different reasons: going to see people, running from people, stress reduction, etc. If your family is like mine, you will find this very familiar, maybe even scary. I am dropping to the evel of using a military time frame. A family vacation is a sort of well planned operation, and I thought it would be interesting.

Day 1; 0600. All rise, for we have to get an early start. We are supposed to leave at 0700. We left at 0830. Go figure …

0835. After leaving the house, we panic over something we think we’ve forgotten, realize we haven’t forgotten it, calm down, remember something else that we think we’ve forgotten, panic …

0900. “Are we out of Texas yet?” My brother, after living in the state for eleven years, still cannot comprehend the immensity of this barren land.

0930. “I have to go to the bathroom.” A classic trip-starter. Don’t ask me why.

1000. “I’m bored.” “Don’t worry, this vacation will be fun and educational.”

1130. “I’m hungry; when’s lunch?” This was a popular complaint throughout the entire trip, although everyone knew if you wanted to eat out of schedule, you had to bring your own food. Luckily, my brother had a hidden cache. Lucky for him, at least.

Is anyone else sick of the military time thing? I apologize. On to bigger and better things.

It’s great to spend some time with your grandparents, but not to spend all your vacation time with them. That would be boring, to say the least.

I am not saying that my grandparents are boring. My grandparents are some of the most interesting people I know. If you call my grandfather a farmer he’ll knock you flat. He has the will (and the hands) to do it. He’s a “dairyman”.

I don’t mean to sound gross or anything, but why is it that your cousins are always so good-looking? Beats me.

Everybody has them. Everybody does them. Everybody hates them. If you don’t, we need to speak privately. Yes, I am speaking of chores, those wonderful things parents use to occupy you. There are daily chores, as (almost) everyone knows, and there are “special” chores. First come the daily chores.

As you may already know, I am a member of a family of eleven children. One is out of the house at this writing, but that doesn’t change much at home. Even if all the “normal” chores are assigned, everyone must have something to do. Therefore, this week, I am assigned the following chore: “Wash by hand all the dishes that are to large to fit in the dishwasher.” You may immediately think, as I did, “What kind of chore is that? Who thought that up?” I asked my mother those very questions. Of course, I didn’t ask her in that particular tone. I want to live to see my next birthday, you see. I asked politely, “Was this chore your idea? Is it really necessary?”

Her immediate reply was, “If you are going to complain about your job, then I’m going to take away points!”

A brief explanation of “points”. We get “points” when we do our chores and other extra things around the house. At the end of the week, we can “buy” items with our points. Of course, all the items are outrageously priced, so you have to work your fingers off to buy a “fun-sized” candy bar. Now that I mentioned it, one-bite-and-it’s-gone is not my idea of “fun-sized”. Back to the subject, I really don’t care for points, so I just do my job whenever I feel like it, or when Mother makes me. I’ve gotten to where I am indifferent to washing dishes now. Is that good or bad?

Now on to “special” chores. Evidently, when you are offered a “special” chore, it is the equivalent of your guardian saying, “You’re going to do this whether you like it or not, even though it’s not part of your regular chore schedule (pronounced “shed-yule”).” As you can see, chore-givers try to use psychology to trick you into wanting to do chores (for a shallow look at psychology, please see Turtle’s Thoughts™ on Threats).

Now, on to what this article was truly written for. Strike! Loyal followers, you must refuse to do chores for the rest of the summer months! Parents, please refer to the Legal Disclaimer found below. In short, I cannot be found liable for any actions taken in response to this article.

Although usually an unhappy topic, it’s amazing what threats can and can’t do. Lucky for you, I have several examples. Isn’t this so inspiring?

Case 1: Last week I had the opportunity to assist in the instruction of young boys in the art of archery. These boys, whose ages ranged anywhere from six to eleven, were covertly competing against each other to see who could launch his projectile the farthest. Of course, the other staff members and I had to retrieve the arrows, and, being our lazy selves, we didn’t want to walk more than absolutely necessary. Therefore, this situation called for an appropriate threat.

“Do it again, kid, and we’ll duct tape you to the target and paint concentric circles on your stomach.”

Now, we knew that the head instructor, Mr. Tom, wouldn’t let us do this, but the kids didn’t have to know. This tactic worked quite well until one of the older boys was smart enough to realize that there was nothing behind our threat. We walked farther the rest of the week. The battle was lost. The war still rages.

Case 2: This is a brief one. It’s painful for me to dwell on threats that don’t accomplish anything. It brings a tear to my eye …

For some reason unknown to me my sister can get away with almost anything. That brings a tear to my eye as well. Accordingly, threats neither work against her nor bother her. She’ll run to my mother, put on her “sweet child” charade, and it all comes out right in the end … for her. I’m the one at fault. I threatened her. My mother locks me in my room. It’s as simple as that.

Case 3: This case encompasses the notorious line, “It’s not a threat, it’s a promise.” As everyone knows, this only causes the one being threatened to know what little you can do to follow through on you threat. It’s like reverse psychology, only in reverse. So that would make it reverse reverse psychology, or maybe forward psychology. But that makes it regular old psychology. Maybe it’s not reverse, but to the left. That sounds right. To-the-left psychology. An interesting field of study.

“What’s your major?”

“Oh, I’m going to double-major in upside-down chaos theory and to-the-left psychology. How about you?”

“I was going to go into somersault calculus, but now I’m not sure.”

I’m so glad there’s no such thing as to-the-left psychology. You should be, too. Don’t forget to go out and make an empty threat at least once a day this week! It’s good for you.

I will start by saying that the reason someone thought up the idea of airports is so they could charge outrageous sums of money for airfare, preying upon one of humanities greatest weaknesses: the overwhelming urge to visit one’s mother. Sure, other variables factor into the great airport equation (these will be mentioned below), but this reason is the first driving force behind the “Airport Mentality”.

It’s June first. The phone rings. It’s your mother. The conversation begins with the usual social facades everyone uses with their mothers. No one wants their mothers to know that they actually love them. Anyway, when you finally hang up the receiver, you can hardly contain your enthusiasm. A family reunion has been scheduled! Then your mind clicks. A … family reunion … has been … scheduled? Enter the second driving force in the Airport Mentality: the overwhelming urge to flee before one’s in-laws.

This is where the battle begins (and of course, this is your mind speaking). “I want to go, my mother will be there!” “I don’t want to go, my in-laws will be there!” “I want to go, I’ll get to fly on an airplane!” Memories of TWA pop into your head. “I don’t want to go, I’ll have to fly on an airplane!”

I’ve just touched upon another reason why airports are so popular: the overwhelming urge to be something one is not and cannot be. In this case, I speak of the birds. Who has not had a dream in which they are flying? This is by far the most popular dream on the open market. And for just three easy installments of $29.95 … sorry.

I’ve also mentioned a self-created enemy of the Airport Mentality: the overwhelming urge to live another day. I don’t think I have to elaborate too much on that one.

So when you fly off on your vacation this summer, think about how these four “overwhelming urges” affect your decisions. Truthfully? It’s scary!

I am convinced that at least one third of the world’s water supply is wasted each day in the simple act of brushing one’s teeth. Do you know anyone who actually turns off the faucet when they are brushing? I don’t. I believe I have the answer to this worldwide dilemma: stop brushing. Now don’t get me wrong, I brush my teeth at least once a day, more if needed. But think about it. If no one brushed their teeth, halitosis wouldn’t be disease. Everyone would have it! There would be something wrong with you if you had minty fresh breath. You would be jailed for violating Water Conservation Code (WCC) 3538: excess use of water for dental hygiene.

Take case scenario one: The ancient ancients that lived in and around Pompeii got fossilized in no time flat due to the roll of Nature’s dice, right? Look at it again. When examined to find more about the lost culture, scientists, archaeologists, and what have you found that almost every corpse — no, every corpse — had a perfect dental record. No tooth decay whatsoever! Now isn’t it logical to believe that, because they used so much water on something as trivial as hygiene, Mother Nature’s courier informed her of a problem? Therefore, following a logical sequence of events, old Ma Nature caused Pompeii, a volcano that had been dormant for centuries, to suddenly erupt without warning, spewing its hot lava and ash all over the beautiful countryside, not to mention the bustling cities and tranquil towns. This single act of Nature Anger, if you will, completely eradicated the civilization, and saved the water supply for today’s needs.

You could take this as a warning, or maybe a slap on the wrist with a wet noodle, but don’t take it lightly. It is quite possible that any type of natural phenomena could wipe out America as we know it. The tragedy in Oklahoma City was, well, a tragedy. But how much water do you suppose they were using each and every day? You needn’t worry. I’m sure my family of eleven children uses as much water as a small East European country per day, so we would be the first to go. And, if appearance and what others think about you comes first in your life, by all means, keep on brushing, and go ahead, take as long as your favorite song on the radio. And if you feel like it, let the water flow the whole time. Just let it flow!