Subtle Coolness

In recent editions of this article, I admit that I have crossed the line of acceptable humor. Several of my “clients” have informed me of this. I would like to publicly apologize for any inconveniences I may have caused and inform you that there will be many changes made to this column in the near future. Now that the inevitable is over, let me move on to the business at hand: generating a few laughs.

I have also been recently informed that my so called “Legal Disclaimer” not only distracts from the “humor” of the article, but is absolutely worthless and would not hold up in any court, should I be taken there for some reason. As I now understand it, all legal such and such must be written in ALL CAPS before it takes effect. What kind of rule is this? I’m not sure, but it probably must follow a set pattern as well. That may be why many legal notices appear the same. If someone copyrighted the phrases most often used in the legal notices, I suppose they could make a fortune on the royalties alone.

Accordingly, in this and subsequent articles, the “Legal Disclaimer” will be dropped. There will be no copyrights, no trademarks, nothing to prevent others from snatching my work and calling it their own. Oh well, I don’t care. I have a wonderful thing called trust. Trust is unknown in the business world. I made the mistake of diving into deep water, and I have paid the price. The price was the disapproval of some of you. I won’t name names, but you know who you are and I thank you for your timely input.

If you were expecting more humor this week, I’m sorry. Perhaps I can be funny every other week. If you can put up with this, let me know. I have found that Thoughts are not always humorous, but they are always thoughtful. “Come see the serious side of Turtle.”

As many of you know, I was given the opportunity to see much of the western United States over the past few weeks. In visiting my grandparents in both Utah and Idaho, my family chose to drive the distance rather than fly, to reduce expenses. Accordingly, I saw, heard, and smelled more “land of the free” than I wanted. I intend to pass on a few tips about this region of the country to you (count yourselves lucky) so you may more fully understand what I went through in reaching my destination.

First of all, the entire state of New Mexico reeks. It smells worse than skunk. This is not a lie. If you live in New Mexico, or know of friends or relatives who do, and feel offended by this remark, please refer to the Legal Disclaimer below. The stench described above is nothing like the refinery towns of Texas. Oil has a pleasant smell. New Mexico has a gut-wrenching odor that causes drivers to swerve off of the road once they pass the state line. The police officers aren’t there just to keep illegal substances out of the state. They are the ones that call the paramedics. I saw six or seven cars in the ditch beside the road, and New Mexico is not known for its speedy emergency response time. I suggest you pack several dozen car fresheners — you know, the ones that look like pine trees — or a very large clothespin for each traveler. The former is usually best, depending on your personal pain tolerance. As for myself, I don’t think I can stand a pinched nose for very long — not to mention six hours.

If you do find yourself in New Mexico, and have somehow survived the unique “odiferosity” of the state, do not be curious. Avoid Roswell at all costs. You may want to see the alien ship(s) there, but it’s not worth it. Because of its notoriety, everything in Roswell costs three times as much as one would expect. For the sake of your wallet, steer clear of Roswell!

To dispel a few misleading or misunderstood “facts”: Columbine High School is just like any other high school. It is not in Littleton. It is not in the “ghetto”. The youngster who did the unthinkable there wasn’t even wearing a trenchcoat. There is no “Trenchcoat Mafia”. In fact, I met a lad that had graduated from said high school a few years ago, and now he is a successful and trustworthy balloon-animal-maker. Talk about an education! Several of his most celebrated works are Turtle, Monkey, and Pinocchio Inside the Whale. It’s fascinating …

After much thought and consideration, I have chosen to add a little something to the article, just for kicks. From now on, at the end of each article a new “Obscure and Semi-Known Fact of the Week” will be featured. It may not be completely true, but that’s for you to decide. You may not care, but that’s for you to decide. It may not help you in any way, but that’s for you to decide. Ah, the wonder and beauty of the Legal Disclaimer! And now, the Obscure and Semi-Known Fact of the Week: Microsoft® Windows 2000™ is actually Windows NT™ Version 5.0.