I figure anyone can write a good fable, so I thought I might take a
crack at it. Enjoy!
Once upon a time, in the far away land of Tucson, Arizona, lived a
wealthy land owner by the name of Mr. Gimmelmore. Although he had
everything he ever wanted, Mr. Gimmelmore was as greedy as the pigeons
in New York City. He always wanted more money, more land, or more peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. He could never be satisfied (he
had obviously never discovered Snickers).
One day, Mr. G. heard of a rumor that a certain Ms. Spickenspan could
turn mint flavored dental floss into gold thread just by running it
between her teeth! He also heard that the same Ms. Spickenspan could
turn cinnamon flavored floss into hemp twine and make hip jewelry! Mr.
Gimmelmore wanted to be cool and wear hemp jewelry, so he extended an
invitation to Ms. S. to visit his lovely summer home in South Dakota.
“Have you any idea how cold it gets up there?” replied Ms. Spickenspan.
“I would never dream of spending a week up in the Badlands!”
So instead, Mr. Gimmelmore threw a big party on his ranch in Tucson, and
the mysterious Ms. Spickenspan just happened to get invited. Now
(because she crafted fine jewelry), Ms. S. was cool enough to never miss
a groovy party, and everyone knew that Mr. Gimmelmore’s parties were the
grooviest.
Much to her surprise, when she rang the doorbell, she was conducted into
an underground laboratory (by a man not unlike Lurch), where she was
locked in. Then, through a public address speaker built into the wall,
she heard mr. Gimmelmore’s voice.
“Look in the cabinet behind you. Inside are several dozen rolls of
cinnamon flavored dental floss. If you wish to leave, you must turn all
of it into hemp twine by morning. Have a nice night!” This monologue was
followed by maniacal laughter that only an insane and evil scientist is
capable of (Mwu-ha-ha-ha!).
Of course, all those rumors were vicious lies, and Ms. Spickenspan
couldn’t really turn floss into hemp, so she just sat and began to file
her nails. Suddenly, a panel turned in the wall, and a short (pardon me,
“vertically challenged”) man stepped into the room.
“I see you are in a bit of a fix,” said the man. “I believe I may be
able to help you. You see, I can turn floss into hemp!”
By this time, Ms. Spickenspan, mildly terrified by the appearance of the
strange character, had drifted to the far wall. “C-c-could you?” was all
she was able to say.
“But of course,” replied the man. “For a price.”
“H-h-how about my laptop computer?” blurted Ms. S. “It’s a top of the
line model, with a 400 Mhz processor, 128 MB of RAM, and built in DVD
and Zip drives.”
“That’s sounds like a deal to me. Let me get to work now.” With that,
the goblin-like fellow took the first roll of floss and pulled it
through his mouth. Sure enough, it came in cinnamon floss and came out
sturdy hemp twine, ready to be knotted and beaded and sold for
outrageous prices.
With the goblin-man busy at work, Ms. Spickenspan inched along the wall
until she came to the spot where he had first appeared. She pushed
against the wall and felt it give. Silently, she crawled into a narrow
tunnel and closed the secret door. She felt something under her. She
looked down to find an acetylene torch and welder’s face shield. She
quickly sealed the entrance to the laboratory, and began to crawl
through the passages. Mr. Floss-to-hemp was too busy singing “Yellow
Submarine” to himself to notice anything.
Ms. Spickenspan finally crawled into the main sewer area and found a man
hole, which she climbed out of. Miraculously, her car was parked only a
few dozen feet away! She got in a drove off into the sunset.
Moral: Don’t tell nasty vicious lies and rumors about people you don’t
know. They could result in poor unsuspecting goblin-men to be trapped in
underground laboratories, turning dental floss into hemp for all time.
Also, next time you consider spreading a rumor, just think about where
that hemp necklace around your neck has been. By the way, the
goblin-man’s name was Jack.