Subtle Coolness

On Tuesday morning, the sports section of The Daily Texan invaded the front page, claiming territory once the dominion of local non-sports news.

This coup came unexpectedly, though it appears to have been bloodless, thankfully stemming the tide of “what’s black and white and red all over” jokes.

The front page has long been the exclusive territory of UT Austin-related stories, occasionally commandeered by national or international news of general interest.

“Sports is not of general interest,” commented Computer Science senior William Jackson. “Now if this freshman Damion Jones of which the article speaks had two heads, that would be of general interest.”

It is not known how long this occupation will last. The presence of too many statistics and foreign words like “winningest” may produce unrest among the populace, forcing sports back to section B from whence it came.

The woman sitting in front of you on the bus doing the sudoku will put a 7 where she should have put a 2, and you will chuckle softly, silently congratulating yourself for your superior mathematical prowess.

The Mount Bonnell Ward Improv Comedy Nite was a huge success! I’ll be forever grateful to the coordinators for asking me to be one of the players. My favorite line:

And what did you wager?

I’ll show you my tattoo.

¡Ay! Like all things Spanish, the Grim Reaper is dangerous.

In high school I studied French, but most of my siblings learned Spanish. Trust them to do the practical thing. Anyway, because I lived in a household predominantly occupied by Spanish speakers, I couldn’t help but pick up a few phrases.

My favorite is, “Tengo una familia grande y una casa muy pequeña.” ‘Nuff said.

The Internet is devoid of humor. She has left us.

In a recent Google search on the word “funny”, the acclaimed search engine returned no results.

I can remember a time when jokes innumerable would flow into my inbox unwanted. I remember the Armless Legless Goatless boy from Bakalagaglooshen, and all the rupies and goat’s milk he received because I forwarded that email to twenty of my friends who are no longer my friends because of it. I was willing to make that sacrifice in the name of humor! And it was funny!

Now, there is nothing. There is nothing to sacrifice for.

I remember the day AOL and Microsoft announced a merger, and Bill Gates wanted to share his fortune with the countless online masses. Yes, my friend’s friend’s uncle’s roommate’s cousin’s legal advisor knew it was true, and I forwarded the email and waited for my check and lost some more friends, and laughed for days. And it was funny!

Now, there is nothing. There is nothing to laugh about.

Throw your lilies at the base of the stone that reads:

Here Lies Humor
The Internet Raised Her,
The Internet Loved Her,
The Internet Killed Her
17 September 1973 ~ 2 June 2004

The day has come, citizens. We as a people have exhausted our precious resources. Hilarity is no more. In all seriousness, all things are now serious, and all this has come to pass on a quiet Wednesday morning.